I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
