Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
