I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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