he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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