Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
