I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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