At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
