I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
