when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
