is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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