mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
