listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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