New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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