I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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