There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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