Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
