Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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