They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
