I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
