Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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