Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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