I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
