how can u be prego again
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
