I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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