guys are only as good as the porn they watch
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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