I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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