Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
