there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
