My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
