I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
