my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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