you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
