My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
