I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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