there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Are my feet made of real feet?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
