Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
