Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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