Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
