I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
