Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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