hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
