you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
