I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
