suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
