I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
