Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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