Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
