imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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