If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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