It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
