I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
